Scientists Want to Decode Brad Meltzer

Scientists at the CDC have queried Brad Meltzer's publicist Brad Meltzer on the possibility of using minimally invasive surgery to examine his brain. An anonymous source said: "We believe we can use minimally invasive surgery, a type of arthroscopy for the brain, as we do not expect to find much. Still it would benefit mankind greatly if we can discover the cranial structures, chemicals, and perhaps even the genes responsible for inane and pompous behavior. Mr. Meltzer is a prime candidate given his self-aggrandizement and delusions of paranoid grandeur. I mean, take a look-see at his TV series "Decoded." Damn, what a boon to humanity if we could decode what makes him tick! We might be able to find a cure for him and similar disesases." When pressed for further information, the source declined further comment. "When we get an answer from either Mr. Meltzer or his publicist Mr. Meltzer we'll have more to report. Thank you."

Philosophy & War

Philosophy and war are two afflictions for which humankind has yet to find a cure. My guess is we never will

War is a fight started by little men and fought by big boys.

Philosophy: Questionable answers to unanswerable questions.

Bite your tongue
Before you criticize, before you heap on the invective, remember this: There's little room for wisdom when your heart is full of judgment. You say something and it stays said forever. Hold you tongue and you can always say it later. So, think first and then if it needs to be said, say it. You probably won't, though.

Feel good again...
If you want to feel good about yourself and bring your self-esteem back into balance, watch "The Shahs of Sunset." I'm telling you, talk about a bunch of self-absorbed, out-of-touch, narcissistic neurauts. (Hey, shahs, that is NOT a compliment! Well, maybe for you it is...) Persia (a.k.a. Iran), we give up - you win. Please take them back.

On the other hand, who's got the last laugh? They do - all the way to the bank.

Bumper Crop (amusing bumper stickers)

• Bad cop! No doughnut!
• If God didn't want us to eat animals, why'd He make them out meat?
• My karma ran over my dogma